Great Valentine’s Gift for Christians with no taste

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Are you a Christian? Have you waited until the last minute to buy the perfect gift for your sweetie? Well, I have just the thing for you!

As a service to the one or two people who somehow find my blog every week or three, I like to watch late night Christian programming on DirecTv’s church channels. Now, it’s important to know that the absolute best shows come on late at night. Paula White, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn and other prosperity preachers have deep pockets (obviously because God loves them more than the rest of us), so they can afford to buy up all the prime time programming. Thus, shows that are on after about 1 AM are usually much more entertaining since they don’t have the slick production value of the big time shows.

I’ve written before about noted celebrity preacher Todd Coontz, who guarantees fast results if you’ll only send him $1,000. (Put it on the credit card for your convenience, if you’d like!) I like Todd Coontz (other than when he’s encouraging widow ladies to send him $1,000). He wears really fancy suits and is secure enough in his masculinity to wear a gold braclet on his wrist! His show is sort of slick; in the introduction, we see pictures of the kinds of luxury cars and homes we might expect if he prays for us. (Trust me, they are nice!) Todd Coontz is up and coming, mark my words.

I have considerably less hope for Danny Davis. If Todd Coontz is the poor man’s Paula White, Danny Davis is the poorer man’s Todd Coontz.

Danny Davis becomes enormous and floats out over the audience at a recent revival Left: While preaching at a recent revival, Danny Davis suddenly becomes enormous and miraculously levitates over the crowd.

To his credit, Danny Davis doesn’t beg widows and desperate business owners to send him $1,000.00 . The focus of his show is getting people to call the toll-free number to request the FREE “No Evil Oil” which has been prayed over 17 times(!). If you’d rather, you can order your vial of “No Evil Oil” over the internets at http://www.noeviloil.com. (Be careful not to confuse the url with an enemy site: http://www.no,eviloil.com.)

No Evil Oil, suitable for blessing, annointing and frying Right: No Evil Oil is blessed by 17 prayers and is low in saturated fat, and contains no artery-clogging trans-fat!

Have you been searching for the right prayer blessed oil? Well, Danny Davis has it and it’s FREE! (A $5.00 or more donation for shipping would be nice though, according to the website.) Where did this miraculous oil come from? The website explains:

God laid it on Dannys heart to create an special blend of blood Red anointing oil, made with biblical ingredients of old.

Was Red #40 in the Old or New Testament? I’m just kidding, I have no idea what’s in the No Evil Oil!

By now, the burning question has arisen in your mind, and the Website answers it:

Some have asked, “Why would Danny invest thousands doing this?” Folks, hopefully by now you have the understanding that we want to see you and your loved ones abundantly blessed in every area of life! In fact, this was the Lords desire and commission – go into all the world and preach the good news! Jesus wants no one has to perish, the poor fed, the sick healed, devils cast out – you name it, He wants you every bit whole! This should be the desire of every Christian – it’s definitely ours!!

Of course, you wouldn’t want to get No Evil Oil and not know how to use it, would you?  No worries, mate!

No evil oil rocks!Danny will provide detailed instructions about how to use the No Evil Oil!

use that no evil oil

But, back to my original point.  If you’re looking for some great gifts for any tacky Christian friends or loved ones, Danny Davis’ site has a treasure trove!  Ladies and Gentlemen, I present:

Jesus Watches!!

Jesus watches

His and hers Jesus watches!  These elaborate timepieces feature a picture of Jesus,along with what his autograph would look like today.  I am assuming that Danny Davis can’t read Roman Numerals though, because the site description includes this bit:  “A note worthy feature on the watch is – instead of listing numbers, the names of the 12 Disciples are listed in their place!”

But that’s not all…..

Religious Tote Bags!!

Here we find some selection.  You have option A:

Jesus has a brand new bag

Right:  For your toting pleasure, the “I believe in Jesus” tote bag.  Perfect for every occasion!

Or Option B:

So please, take time to peruse Danny’s site today!

I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t send money to “Dr.” Todd Coontz

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I realize that I could be taking a huge financial mistep, but after serious consideration, I’ve decided not to become an Increase 3000 Partner with “Dr.” Todd Coontz. 

 For those of you who live under a rock, or perhaps don’t watch Daystar Satellite Network at 1:00 A.M. on Monday mornings, Todd Coontz is the host of “Financial Solutions with Todd Coontz,” an exciting show that teaches viewers how to make their wildest financial dreams come true by sending Todd Coontz money.  He also heads up a “ministry” called Rock Wealth Ministries, which helps people learn how to make their wildest financial dreams come true by sending Todd Coontz money.  He also goes on the road to lead seminars where registrants can learn how to make their wildest financial dreams come true by sending money to Todd Coontz.  Basically, Todd Coontz is a rennaissance man.

While the website is somewhat sketchy on Todd Coontz’s qualifications (hence the quotes around “Dr.” which I’m fairly certain is honorary), the praise of him is effusive:

Businessman, Entrepreneur, Television Host, Financial Teacher, Philanthropist, Best Selling Author… are the words others use to describe DR. TODD COONTZ.

Yes, all those things do come to mind when I think about Todd Coontz.  (You remember his best seller, don’t you???)  But how did they leave out what a snazzy dresser he is?  He is, nearly singlehandedly, bringing back the coordinating shiny silk tie/pocket hanky combo.  You can tell he’s financially sucessful:  he has a silk hankerchief in his suit coat pocket!  I would bet anything he has a closet full of tassled loafers.  And, while you can’t tell in the pictures, I’m certain he is wearing the ultimate symbol of style in men’s dress–the gold tie clip. 

So you see how excited I was to learn that I could become an increase partner with Todd Coontz and share in his “financial annointing.”  For only $84.00 per month, I would receive these exciting benefits:

What are the benefits of Partnership?

Monthly in-depth teachings on CD or DVD that are specially selected by Dr. Coontz for Partners Only.
Exclusive Internet access to Increase 3000 Partner features on our website.
What are the benefits of Partnership?

Monthly in-depth teachings on CD or DVD that are specially selected by Dr. Coontz for Partners Only (Remember how the Apostle Paul used to save his best teaching for those who paid him?  Neither do I.)
Exclusive Internet

A beautiful and durable Increase 3000 Partner card giving you a 30% discount on most product offers.

Increase 3000 Partnership PAK.
The satisfaction of making a difference in the lives of others.
A monthly letter from Dr. Coontz, sharing his heart and updating you on how God is changing lives through television, seminars, and Partner meetings
Periodic gift items and ministry tools are selected to thank our Partners for their monthly Seeds.

But, the website also promises this:

“As a treasured Partner, you also share in the anointing and financial mantle on Dr. Todd’s life as he agrees to faithfully pray for you, your family, and your finances on a daily basis.”

By this point, I was looking for my credit card.  I need to get in on this deal!  Where else can you get a Partnership 300 PAK?  I looked on ebay, and even ebay doesn’t have them!

But then something hit me.  What if Todd Coontz really just wants my money?  What if he really can’t promise to let me share in his financial annointing? 

Then I had other questions about RockWealth Ministries.  For example, the website says, Partnership offers an exceptional and meaningful opportunity to reach millions with the Gospel!” Yet the website doesn’t say how Todd Coontz reaches anyone with the Gospel.  The site claims:

The weekly program, ‘Financial Solutions with Todd Coontz’ is only one component of what we do collectively as a ministry. Although ‘Financial Solutions with Todd Coontz’ can be seen in over 50 million homes in the United States, we are much more than what you see on television! Thousands interact with us via our interactive website: http://www.RockWealth.org, and many more share their testimonies of family healing, salvation, favor, and financial breakthrough with us via the mail.”

However, the “interactive” website is mostly interactive in allowing users to send money to Todd Coontz (wait…I’m noticing a trend.)  Nowhere on the website is the gospel of Jesus Christ presented, though to be fair the “gospel” of prosperity through giving to Todd Coontz is presented pretty vigorously.  To underscore the global reach of Rock Wealth Ministries, the front page of the site features full length shot of Todd Coontz smiling and pointing to a picture of the world, overlaid with flags of various countries:  Algeria, Egypt, Rwanda…  Presumably destitute people in third world countries can improve their plight by sending money to Todd Coontz.  How egalitarian!

Still, I might be slightly more confident “sowing my seed” with “Dr.” Todd Coontz if I had some idea what he was going to spend the money on.  Maybe all the money goes to feed poor children in Africa, or for legitimate missionary work in Asia.  But the fact that the website and the “Financial Solutions” program don’t even mention what the money will be used for is disturbing for two reasons.  One, that Todd Coontz is unashamed in his blatant appeals to sell God’s blessings to others for financial payment.  And two, that people are actually gullible, greedy or desperate enough to send him money. 

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